Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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