Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
