why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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