I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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