had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
