found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
