the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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