that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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