Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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