i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize