I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
