if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
