and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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