hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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