He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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