i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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