Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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