I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
