I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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