I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need to sanitize my soul.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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