you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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