my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
