This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
