like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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