the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
