so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
