She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
