apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
