the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
