oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
