Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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