Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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