Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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