Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
