I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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