she was so not down for the gang bang
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
