we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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