There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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