Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
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I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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