Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
