I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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