exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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