Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
