The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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