His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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