ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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