I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
