just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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