why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
