I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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