My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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