She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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