U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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